A dullness, tiredness, and small package of sadness arrived today. In the big picture, you are a good God full of love that you lavish on me…but for this moment my desire to love and be loved seems relentless and tedious. I feel as though I shoo it away with frustration, swatting at a fly that constantly alights on my being. I am weary, annoyed.
I haven’t asked you for perfection or even an absence of physical and emotional pain. I have only asked that I might find someone to share my journey with. Someone who loves you well…someone who would be thrilled to love me well. The same person that I would desire to love well.
Why this waiting without end? I know the whole deal about how this is only a shadow of my longing for you…but I do long for you. I truly want to know you and to serve you and to love you.
My humanity cries out, What must I do to be ready for a man? At the moment, I want to curse at the well-meaning ladies who say, “You’ll find him as soon as you’re not looking.” What rubbish and conjecture we produce to try to aid another or to assuage our need to “help.” Do you laugh or cry at our blathering? Do you wish often that most of us would shut our mouths and open our arms?
When you see a single soul battered and abused, buffeted by pain that stems from broken relationship, do you wish with everything within you to change things? Do you wish I had someone to pursue and cherish me? Do you know this particular brand of anguish? Did you cry when men pursued only to walk away, unable to commit to loving me? What were your thoughts on the matter?
I feel strangely out of words to describe my heart’s place. I want desperately to give up on the idea of romantic man/woman love. But I cannot. The desire remains, wholly given by you, and I know that truthfully speaking I want it more than ever. It is nonsense to deny my true heart, the most vital part of me—that which you have chiseled, broken, mended, held.
You have been hard at work through the years, and I would not trade my darkest moments to return to a more innocent, shallow spirituality—married or not. My soul is now satisfied with only the richest of fare. I have released many of my desires. But I want my desire for you—for purity, holiness, light, joy, laughter, camaraderie, community, and for the encouragement and salvation of souls to burn. May it burn in my lonely moments. May it burn in the presence of others. May it continue to burn when the man who will be my husband makes the decision to love me. May the flame be eternal.
I cannot demand anything of you. You have stretched out your arms and poured out the most you have to give. I come to you only with honesty and tears, asking that you help me be honest with my desires, that you show me how to keep hope alive.
And asking that your body sense the unmet longing and react with a generous dose of love, affirmation, and affection. As you ask us to take care of widows in their need, so may your children grow a desire to comfort, care for, and love those who are alone with many needs. May they be sensitive to our hearts, and may we be willing to join their families, to eat together, minister together, work together, do life together.
Illuminate our equality in you—single or married—help us to sense our belonging as dear sons and daughters no matter our circumstances, heal us to give and receive love. Make us one.